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Do you ever wish your writing could be, well, a little more…accommodating? Look no further than the Obsequious Op-Ed Translator! This revolutionary tool transforms your drab, ordinary English into pearl-clutching, hand-wringing, utterly compliant Obsequious Op-Ed. Imagine your prose dripping with unearned enthusiasm, reflexively celebrating the latest excesses of late-stage capitalism, and earnestly amplifying the most bizarre and self-serving narratives of the ultra-rich and deeply out-of-touch. Now you too can write clickbait headlines about the newest ‘innovations’ of the elite with all the breathless sincerity of a trust fund kid explaining why crypto is the future. No more flat, uninspired sycophancy! With the Obsequious Op-Ed Translator, your writing will finally achieve its true potential: as a craven mouthpiece for the powers that be!
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